What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
15.06.2025 00:01
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I could never make a relationship work though!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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My family never makes their pension either.
All the time i was locked up.
I was very sick at this time too.
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I don,t even have a pension.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
What did i know ?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We all went to grammer schools
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I have no regrets .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Why do men like women gold diggers?
Put me off passion for life!!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
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Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As i do to all so called friends.?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And i lived it daily.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She wouldn,t have been !
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But, we were locked up after school.
So whats the point in blame.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But it wasn’t much.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was seconnd youngest,
Im still living with it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was 9 years of age.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She loved him until the end.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
This is soul school!.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But ive been too sick for many years..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
When she asked me how she looked .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He knew the spot.
We were not on the streets..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I know ,a lot about trauma.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Who then, do I blame.?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My life is so biszare .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I said to her
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
One cannot live in the past .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
(And it was in our own minds.)
So, i spoilt her more .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Comes on , in middle age.
She married twice! .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
It was going to be , some day.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She found it foreign!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I think the readers, may guess!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I write beautiful poetry .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Ive learnt so much.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I will be 64.
She was in good health!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was scared of men, in general
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Would this be the day?
I never cut or harmed myself..
I waited trembling.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!